Saturday, August 24, 2013

A Change of Heart!

Long time no blog! Does anyone still read this anymore? haha.

So as the title states, I had a change of heart (about no longer blogging). Some things are just too sentimental to just suddenly stop-- and, for me, having a personal website is one of them. Some of you may or may not know that for most of my life (since 5th grade) I had been creating webpages. Of course they weren't anything much when I started out (they were AOL Homepages and GeoCities, if anyone still remembers them?) but creating them, designing them, and putting content up on them was very much my life. To others it might be music, art, sports-- to me it was graphics and web design.

Looking back now I realize how lost I have gotten with myself. When I started college in 2010 there was this pressure to study something that would allow me to get a "good job" (aka a high paying job). This pressure led me to abandon a lot of my hobbies, web design including. One reason was that I didn't have time. Why? Because I thought I should put more time and effort into something more relevant in my field of study rather than on something "unnecessary" (a hobby). Resultantly, I tried to force myself to like doing something that I wasn't very enthusiastic about-- it didn't work-- but I kept trying. I blamed the class, I blamed the teacher, and I will think to myself: The intro classes are usually the worst. It'll get better, it'll become more interesting, it'll be easier. But somehow nothing I studied seemed to click for me after the first general introductory course I took in Computer Science. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bad at it but, I wasn't good either. And sometimes to enjoy something, you have to excellent. Some things just click for certain people and some things never will. When I get frustrated, I would think to myself: Ugh! I wish someone could just tell me: "Hey! You will be successful doing this so this is what you should be!" General vague questions like "What do you want to be" makes me freeze.  Its like, if someone gives me a blank piece of paper and tells me to write something, I wouldn't know what to write. But, if that person says something like: "Write about the health benefits of honey", it wouldn't be so hard! I would at least know where to start! It would be so much easier if I was given a personal guide in life (Mentors do not count. They guide several people and are therefore not personal guides.). Now that I think about it, is it possible that we are our own personal guides? Could our unconscious development of hobbies in our childhood be our way of hinting at us that this is what we should do? Maybe there is some sort of theory on this that I should read up...

There are a few things I really regret in life that I can think of on top of my head. One of them is giving up on Cakdel's Giftbox. Yes, I did get hacked. Yes, the FDA did call me up. So, maybe I wasn't given many options in that case... but I could have fought for it and kept it alive in other ways. You have no idea how much I miss selling contact lenses and mailing out little present boxes to people with little personal messages. That and the occasional letter replies! I swear those little thank you notes made my day! Do you know what I do with them? I tape/thumbtack them up into a collage on my wall! But alas, I was stupid and lost and deleted the web-store. And then I was stupid and lost again and decided to stop blogging. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to at the very least keep blogging. I think its very therapeutic for myself and it helps me practice writing (because it sucks). So, here I am reviving Cakdel, the blog-- better late then never right? :)

Till next time.


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